Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Where I am coming from

Once again, I find myself in my room, distraught because I am trying to understand God. I find myself here a lot. Bothered by something that I can't figure out, frustrated because it doesn't seem to be a problem for those around me, and then discouraged to realize that brilliant men and women have thought about this longer and harder than I have and disagree strongly with each other.

Sometimes...well, a lot of the time...I wonder if I am just way too intense. It's like I'm in my own little existence. When the rest of the world seems to be living in a sitcom, I feel like I am living on that island on LOST that just gets more confusing the more time you invest in trying to understand it. Then when I try to relate to people, I feel like one of the characters on the island must feel when they try to explain that they can't sleep at night because the black fog is eating all of their friends.

I've been off in my own world for as long as I can remember. One of my earliest elementary school memories was a time when my first grade teacher called my mom in because I hadn't been doing any of my homework. I was convinced that I had. It turns out that I had done all of my work, but had been cramming all of my completed homework in the back of my desk into a large paper ball. Somehow I thought that I had turned it in must just misunderstood some minor details about the process. Hence, my life.

All throughout middleschool, I didn't say much and most people just assumed that I was a really nice person because I had nothing mean to say. This really wasn't true, I was just picking people apart in my brain and was either too shy to vocalize it or was more concerned with the alien attack that was going on in my imagination.

Fast-forward to now and a lot has changed. I've become more social and not so much off in left field...I'm more like a shortstop. Most significantly, somewhere along the way, I found Christ (or he found me. I still can't quite figure that one out). Ever since that has happened to me, nothing has rightfully consumed my thoughts more. Jesus Christ has been the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing I think about when I go to sleep almost every day since the eleventh grade. What, to me, is the most gruesome thing to have taken place in history, that is the cross of Christ, has paradoxically become, for me, the most beautiful concept to grace my thoughts. I have not been the same, nor ever want to be, ever since I have encountered this backwards concept that Jesus Christ called The Kingdom of Heaven.

Yet, I am not so arrogant to think that I have understood everything that there is to be understood or that I am right in all I think I understand. That is where this blog will hopefully come into play. I am hoping that this will help me flesh out my journey in thinking. And hey, maybe you will enjoy reading it as well.

Until next time, thanks for reading.

In Christ, Josh


  1. Bro, God has given you a great gift: communication, especially that which is written. You and I are very similar in that I can completely relate to the whole "I was off in my own world until Jesus found me and I found Him" situation. Like you, Jesus is the one person I desire to understand more than anyone else.

    I am very analytical and always have been. I too have thought ill of people because of how they acted when I myself was doing the same hypocritical action (only not to be perceived by my own mind of course). That is something that has been on my mind tonight actually and that I was finally able to explain to someone else. As always, God has been teaching me so many things, and over the last three weeks, He has completely changed my view on a church I used to be bitter over and ended up leaving three years ago just as I was bitter against my dad for almost three years as he made me go to said church back in High School. It's ironic because one of my best friends who went and still goes to this church just confessed to me while at work his hypocrisy during High School as well.

    Needless to say, I found your entire post to be very thought-provoking and captivating. I can't wait to hear more from you, bud. Thanks.


  2. Thanks Richy! That means a lot. Yeah, I think you and I are a good bit alike in the sense that we think into things a lot. I hear you on the hypocrisy thing too. That is something that I have realized I need to change in my life. It's very easy for me to sit back and judge. Thanks for the comment.

  3. There is some really good imagery with the short-stop and the LOST island that made it really enjoyable to read. Good show my friend!

    Also its really interesting how you have explained your own little world because before this blog I didn't quite understand. I knew you were a little more reserved but not it makes more sense the way you have discribed it.

    Also I can identify with the frustration of seeing people succeed when it is giving me such trouble. I almost want to hear their secret and try and implement it in my life but I don't know if that would work.

    I found this post very insightful of Josh's mental construct and entertaining at the same time.

    Love you bro, I hope I can help you by being a friend and by withholding any cop-out proverbs from you. :)

    Mem Sin DUz