Once again, I find myself in my room, distraught because I am trying to understand God. I find myself here a lot. Bothered by something that I can't figure out, frustrated because it doesn't seem to be a problem for those around me, and then discouraged to realize that brilliant men and women have thought about this longer and harder than I have and disagree strongly with each other.
Sometimes...well, a lot of the time...I wonder if I am just way too intense. It's like I'm in my own little existence. When the rest of the world seems to be living in a sitcom, I feel like I am living on that island on LOST that just gets more confusing the more time you invest in trying to understand it. Then when I try to relate to people, I feel like one of the characters on the island must feel when they try to explain that they can't sleep at night because the black fog is eating all of their friends.
I've been off in my own world for as long as I can remember. One of my earliest elementary school memories was a time when my first grade teacher called my mom in because I hadn't been doing any of my homework. I was convinced that I had. It turns out that I had done all of my work, but had been cramming all of my completed homework in the back of my desk into a large paper ball. Somehow I thought that I had turned it in must just misunderstood some minor details about the process. Hence, my life.
All throughout middleschool, I didn't say much and most people just assumed that I was a really nice person because I had nothing mean to say. This really wasn't true, I was just picking people apart in my brain and was either too shy to vocalize it or was more concerned with the alien attack that was going on in my imagination.
Fast-forward to now and a lot has changed. I've become more social and not so much off in left field...I'm more like a shortstop. Most significantly, somewhere along the way, I found Christ (or he found me. I still can't quite figure that one out). Ever since that has happened to me, nothing has rightfully consumed my thoughts more. Jesus Christ has been the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing I think about when I go to sleep almost every day since the eleventh grade. What, to me, is the most gruesome thing to have taken place in history, that is the cross of Christ, has paradoxically become, for me, the most beautiful concept to grace my thoughts. I have not been the same, nor ever want to be, ever since I have encountered this backwards concept that Jesus Christ called The Kingdom of Heaven.
Yet, I am not so arrogant to think that I have understood everything that there is to be understood or that I am right in all I think I understand. That is where this blog will hopefully come into play. I am hoping that this will help me flesh out my journey in thinking. And hey, maybe you will enjoy reading it as well.
Until next time, thanks for reading.
In Christ, Josh